


Throw Your Heart To Me

by anikaenator



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction (Band), zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Lovers to Strangers to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-21 07:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14279784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anikaenator/pseuds/anikaenator
Summary: Leaving his old life behind, Zayn tried to find happiness in a new country surrounded by new people. Little did he know, that his thoughts would still revolve around the same old person even more than two years later.Post break-up au where Zayn and Harry meet again after more than two years of radio silence, and it's not as easy as they would like it to be.





	Throw Your Heart To Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greenandgolden](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenandgolden/gifts).



> So here's my piece for the Fall Zarry Fic Exchange.  
> Thanks to @greenandgolden for giving me such great prompts and making it really hard for me to pick only one of them.  
> I hope this story can, at least a little bit, live up to your expectations.
> 
> The title is taken from the song "Eyes Shut" by Years & Years.
> 
> Also here's a little warning for the mention of suicide (but no worries, no one dies and no one even tries to kill himself!)

„Oh no, not again.“ With a look out of the kitchen window, his day is already on the way to suck. Not only is his head hurting like a b*tch since he woke up, it’s also the third day in a row that it’s raining and he still hasn’t managed to buy new shoes that won’t leave his socks wet after only two steps. So of course he’s not pleased to see the raindrops rolling down the windowpane.

There was a reason why he wanted to leave London. And well, maybe it wasn’t just the bad weather he didn’t like, but when he moved to Vienna, he at least hoped that the weather would be better here. Nearly two years later he knows, that he had no idea about the city of his dreams besides the nice architecture and culture.

„Fuck this...“ on the way to the bathroom he kicks his still wet shoes to the side and decides to just ditch his lectures because he already feels a cold catching up on him and he doesn’t want to spend another day with wet feet at University.

„Everything alright?“ He hears her voice before he sees her, because she always does this. She’s always kind of sneaking up on him and scaring the shit out of him and he’s been a jumpy person for all of his life. But today he doesn’t really care. He just turns around and looks at her. She looks tired and soft and warm and the little smile on her face makes him forget about the bad weather for a second which helps him relax immediately.

„Yeah babe. Sorry for waking you.“ He has to admit, that even after two months, he’s still not used to her living with him, so he sometimes just forgets to be quiet in the morning.

„It’s okay. Gotta get to work soon anyway.“ She walks closer to him and plants a soft kiss on his lips. „You sure you’re alright? You look tired and I think you’re feeling a little bit hot.“

She feels his forehead and gives him a concerned look. For a second he has the urge to back away from her touch, because it reminds him of his mum always caring about her little, fragile boy. But on the second thought it somehow feels good to be taken care of. To have someone who’s looking after you after he’s been sort of alone for over a year. So he let’s her pity him and maybe even leans a little bit into her touch.

Taking a deep breath he closes his eyes for a second before he answers. „I don’t know. Maybe I caught a cold or something. This shitty weather isn't a friend of mine“, he tries for a smile but he isn’t sure about how convincible it looks.

„You’re from England babe. Rain should be your favourite.“ She loves to tease him for his hate of rainy weather. Whenever he’s grumpy because the sky is turning grey again, she reminds him that “It’s just water Zayn, it doesn’t bite you.” And he would think it’s funny, if it wouldn’t remind him of someone else who always liked to do the same thing.

_„I hate rain just as much as I love you,“ he said after Harry teased him again and again and again. He didn’t even realise what he said until he saw the change in Harry’s face. For a second Zayn felt like his heart stopped beating. It was the first time those three words left his mouth in front of someone not related to him and somehow it scared him._

_„I mean… I…“ Zayn tried to explain why he said it. That he thought about saying it for weeks but never felt sure about it and that it would have been okay if Harry didn’t feel the same. But his tongue felt heavy and his mouth felt dry and he still wasn’t sure if his heart was working alright so he closed his mouth again and waited for Harry to say something._

_„Don’t take it back. Please.“ Harry looked and sounded vulnerable and kind of sad and Zayn was confused and afraid because this was not how he wanted this to happen. But it didn’t matter in the end because Harry continued talking before Zayn could worry anymore about his words._

_„I love you too. I… I really love you and I hope you didn’t say it as a joke because… then I would look like a total idiot now and… just please don’t take it back and please don’t tell me you didn’t mean it. Please just-“ and then Zayn couldn’t listen to Harry’s ramble anymore so he just kissed him. Kissed him with everything he had got and hoped that this would show him how much he meant his words. That even if he hadn’t meant to tell him this way, he loves him and he would never take it back._

„Zayn?“ Sarah’s voice sounds worried and he feels ashamed as soon as his thoughts return to the here and now.

“Sorry I just… maybe I’m really catching a fever,” he tries to explain his strange behavior to her and she nods understanding even if Zayn can tell, that she’s sensing there’s something else going on with him.

Because it’s not like this was the first time his thoughts drifted back to a time before her. Before them. Sometimes they just creep up on him out of nowhere, just like today. Or other times he thinks about nothing else for hours just because his past seems to stick to his mind like a chewing gum does to your hair if you’re not careful.

“Wanna lay down a little bit? I can make you some tea or coffee if you want.” It’s not fair, he thinks. That Sarah is this nice and caring when he was just thinking of his ex. But that’s why he likes her this much. She’s always on his side, even if he doesn’t deserve it.

“Yeah, that would be great, thank you.” He presses a light kiss against her cheek before they part ways. Zayn making his way to their bedroom and Sarah heading for the kitchen to boil some water for the tea.

Lying down on the still warm mattress, Zayn plans on only closing his eyes for some minutes. Just dozing for a moment to relax and calm down his mind.

When he wakes up, it’s to a cold cup of tea on his nightstand and a little note from Sarah beside it, telling him to get well soon and call her if he needs something. He falls asleep again before he can grab his phone and write her a thank you message.

–

It’s three days later when the rain finally fully stops and Zayn starts to feel better again. His fever is gone and his head doesn’t hurt every second of the day anymore.

Sarah isn’t home from her night shift yet and Zayn is bored to death because there is only so many times you can refresh your Instagram-Feed before your thumb goes numb with it.

Taking a shower and putting on fresh clothes seems to give Zayn’s health another boost and after a little breakfast, consisting of a slice of old bread, he decides, that he should get some fresh air and take a walk around the block.

As it is, he’s opening the door just as Sarah’s getting her keys out of her bag. At first she looks a little bit taken aback and it’s probably the first time Zayn ever managed to scare her and not vice versa, however the next second she is smiling at him and kissing him softly before she’s pushing him back inside, because Are you crazy Zayn? It’s too cold outside for you to only wear a thin hoodie.

So fifteen minutes later, after Sarah changed her working clothes for something casual and Zayn put on warmer socks and his jacket, they leave their flat together for a little walk. And even if Zayn normally likes to walk in silence and to listen to only his surroundings while strolling through the nearby park, he’s actually happy, that Sarah’s telling him about her shift at the hospital today. It’s been some days since they had time to talk to each other, with Zayn being sick and Sarah working extra shifts because she want’s to save up some money to buy herself a car (no matter how often Zayn told her that a car in a city really isn’t necessary).

“...and then, I haven’t even told you about it, on Monday a new guy started at the paediatric ward. He’s like, the friendliest person I’ve ever worked with. And you know what? He’s from Ireland. Seems like he came here to study for a semester with a friend and then somehow fell in love with the city so he stayed and even got a job right after he finished nursing school.” Maybe Zayn should be a little worried about the way Sarah seems to be smitten by her new co-worker, but Zayn’s just happy that she, for a change, tells him something good about her work.

Because he knows that some of the other nurses aren’t really her best friends and sometimes working with sick children really gets to her, even if she’s never letting on. So he just listens as she tells her how funny he is and how his Irish accent is ever cuter then Zayn’s British when he tries to talk german.

“I told him that we should meet up when you’re feeling better again. I mean, him, a friend of his and us two. You will like him, I know it,” she smiles at him with so much confidence about her words, that he can only smile back at her. “Sure, he sounds really cool.”

–

It’s two weeks later that Sarah finally finds a date where all four of them have time for some drinks at a bar Zayn has never heard of before. And even if Zayn is more the kind of person who likes to stay at home and watch some movies, then to go out and have drinks, he’s somehow looking forward to the guy his girlfriend can’t shut up about. It seems like the last couple of day’s he heard the name Niall more often than his own and slowly but surely he’s getting a little bit curious about him.

“Come on, hurry up. I don’t want them to wait for us,” Sarah’s screaming through the whole flat and Zayn nearly drops his brush into the sink, because he just didn’t see it coming. Again.

“Yeah, just one second,” he says as he lets his fingers run through his hair before putting the brush aside and taking one last look into the mirror.

Walking out of the bathroom and seeing Sarah impatiently waiting for him in the hallway, he says “Maybe they should get used to me being late right from the beginning, if we plan on meeting them more often in the future,” as he approaches her. She just snorts at his comment and then kicks him in the shins as he takes his time to kneel down and put on his boots much slower then he usually would.

–

The bar Sarah chose is loud, filled with cigarette smoke to the brim (it amazes Zayn again and again that this is still legal in Austria) and looks more like a pub on the inside then the outside let on. And somehow, Zayn feels like he has a flashback to around 7 years ago. To this one night that kind of changed his whole life. When he and his friends took their first steps into a pub in the middle of London. The night he met a certain person. A person he tries to forget about since the day he left England, but Zayn never really seems to succeed.

_“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. This… I… someone pushed me and I… I’m really sorry.” As Zayn turned around to look at the person that soaked the back of his shirt with ice-cold alcohol, he didn’t expect to see one of the best looking guys he ever laid his eyes on. Therefore he was just as lost for words as the curly haired boy, who may have mistaken his silence for anger because as soon as their eyes met, the boy’s face changed from apologetic to nervous._

_“I can… I can buy you a new shirt. Or… wait, you… you can have mine if you want? I mean… I… just wait a second.” And while Zayn was kind of distracted by the boy’s beautiful pinkish lips and didn’t really listen to his words, he already tried to take of his shirt. Right there in the middle of the pub in front of all of Zayn’s friends and a bunch of strangers._

_“No, no, no…” Zayn didn’t know if he should just laugh or be ashamed or just feel flattered by this person that’s willing to give up his shirt just for him. At a loss for anything else to do he just grasped the strangers arm to stop him from pulling his shirt over his head._

_And as cheesy as this may sound, Zayn swore the second his fingers touched Harry’s arm, he knew he was supposed to never let go of him again._

“Zayn? Are you coming? Niall’s over there – the blond one, who’s waving at us like crazy.” Once again Sarah has to get him out of his thoughts and if it weren’t for her grabbing his hand and just pulling him along, it may have taken him some more minutes to really get back to himself and follow her. But as it is, it’s only a second later that they arrive at Niall’s table and the blond one gets up to welcome them.

“Hi, I’m Niall. Nice to meet you.” Zayn is a little bit taken aback when Niall pulls him into a tight hug to greet him. Still he immediately understands why Sarah talks about him like he is the most charming person on earth. Because the Irish starts the conversation with complimenting both, Sarah and Zayn, on their outfits and already has a round of Guinness ordered for them.

“Oh and sorry, Harry’s on the toilet but he should be back pretty soon,” he says as they all take a seat at the little corner booth. And it’s not like Zayn hasn’t heard this name in the last two years, but it still always kind of stings whenever someone mentions it. Even if Niall is talking about a totally different Harry than Zayn is thinking about, he would prefer if his friend was called George or Peter or something else. Just not Harry. Anything but Harry.

But maybe, Zayn thinks, he should see this as a chance to connect this name to a different person. To someone he might like to spend his time with in the future and someone who’s so unlike his “past” Harry, that he’ll never ever think about his ex-boyfriend again when he hears that name.

“Oh, there he is.” Automatically Zayn turns his eyes into the direction Niall is looking at and for a seconds he feels like he’s having a stroke. There is an awful pain that strikes through his body like he just got hit by lighting and it seems like his lungs are unable to work properly. He closes his eyes and hopes, that when he opens them again he wakes up in his bedroom, being able to laugh about this stupid dream where he met his ex in a shabby little pub in a country several flight-hours away from where they last saw each other.

But this isn’t a dream. And he isn’t having a stroke. And his lungs are working just fine. He’s just overreacting. Or at least, that’s what he tells himself when he opens his eyes again and Harry is standing right in front of him, smiling at him like nothing ever happened between them. Like their past doesn’t even matter anymore. And that is when Zayn really overreacts. Because he can’t stand this. Can’t stand that Harry seems to be fine. To be able to look into Zayn’s face, as if everything is great. Because this just isn’t fair. Why would Zayn have to suffer for years after their breakup and not be able to close this chapter of his live while Harry walks around the world as if he never felt better.

So being the same stubborn little boy he already was 20 years ago, Zayn decides to play a game. A game he himself doesn’t even know the exact rules to. A game he won’t be able to win, but that’s not really what matters at this moment. At this particular moment he just wants to see if Harry want’s to play too.

“Hi I’m Zayn,” he says, as he holds his hand out for Harry to shake it. It takes the taler one a second to react to it, but with a little shake of his head and a slight smile on his lips, he takes Zayn’s hand into his and shakes it, mumbling a slow “My name’s Harry.”, before he takes a seat beside Niall and introduces himself to Sarah.

And it’s easy. Zayn knows that pretending to be strangers should be harder, especially if you know as much about each other as Harry and Zayn do. But it’s so easy, Zayn even feels the urge to laugh about how simple it is.

They talk about their jobs and about University. About how Sarah loves to talk about Niall and Niall loves to talk about Sarah and where to find the best ice-cream, even in the middle of winter. They laugh about Niall’s jokes and about stories of Sarah’s little niece that always calls her Sahara, even though she’s already four years old.

And as long as they talk about the here and there and about their future, everything is great. But the past makes pretending not to know each-other harder. Too bad Sarah doesn’t know the game they are playing, so she doesn’t know what her next question is doing to them. Or at least to Zayn.

“And why did you decide to move to Vienna, Harry?” At first, Zayn doesn’t really think about the question. Just continues to talk with Niall about the football game last week. Because it’s not an uncommon question to ask someone who moved to a different country, so he isn’t particularly nervous about Harry’s answer. Nevertheless, of course the evening couldn’t work out as good as Zayn had hoped for. So one second he is discussing this game with Niall and the next he feels like he can’t breathe once again.

“Actually I was hoping to find a friend of mine, who I kind of lost some years ago. He moved here without telling me and… I wanted to find him and… get things back to how they were before. But I guess he moved on and isn’t really interested in meeting me again so… I’ll better stop looking for him sooner rather than later.”

It takes Zayn all of his willpower to not instantly stand up and leave the table. Because how dare he saying something like that, when all Zayn ever wanted was for him to come with him. To find him. To be with him again, even after all the shit that happened back in England.

Zayn tries to turn back to Niall and continue their previous conversation in order to distract himself from what he just heard. But he can feel his hands start to shake and he just can’t focus on anything anymore so it’s only a matter of time before Niall notices Zayn’s weird behaviour.

“You alright lad?” And with that, Zayn gets up and heads for the exit.

–

It takes him nearly three days to “recover” from this night and feel better again. After two nights filled with too much thoughts and not enough sleep Zayn’s finally back to his usual self.

He still can’t describe what happened to him after they left the bar. It felt like his whole body was somehow overwhelmed with meeting Harry again after such a long time. After silence for more than two years.

However, after he actually had to throw up on their way home that night, it wasn’t hard to convince Sarah, that he had to get up and leave because he was feeling sick all of a sudden,.

And as if this wasn’t enough, his heart was racing for hours after they left the bar and his stomach started hurting whenever he thought about Harry’s words and so Zayn couldn’t even think about eating.

Therefore he’s grateful that after three days he kind of feels hungry again in the morning and that his stomach has no problem with the coffee and eggs he has for breakfast. It feels like his mind is clear of any bad thoughts for a change. He even takes a walk in the park, finishes two essays for University and cooks dinner for Sarah and himself while she’s back at work for the day.

The second Sarah comes back from work, he awaits her at the door and kisses her because he loves her and he hates that he forgets that sometimes. And he hates that she has to suffer and care about him because he still can’t handle what happened over two years ago. So he want’s to show her how happy he is to have her, and in return she shows him how happy she is, that he’s finally feeling better.

Zayn can already see them falling into bed together that night. But first he’s hungry and wants to brag about the dinner he prepared, so the two of them make their way into the kitchen and talk about everything and nothing until Sarah changes the topic to something Zayn rather would not hear about.

“So… today Niall asked me how you’re doing. I think he’s feeling guilty that he didn’t call over the weekend to check in on you. Guess he’ll love to hear you’re finally feeling better.” Zayn swallows the piece of potato he was chewing on and it doesn’t surprise him, that his stomach immediately tenses up again at the mention of Niall’s name.

“Oh? Why’s that? Wasn’t his fault I was feeling poorly, was it?” He tries to sound lighthearted, like her words don’t affect him, but he isn’t sure he’s succeeding.

“No of course not… Its… I don’t know. He wasn’t talking to me that much today. I almost had the feeling he was trying to avoid me, to be honest. But maybe he just had a rough day. I think he also mentioned something about having an argument with Harry after we left on Friday, so I… I don’t know… I didn’t really wanna push him so I... ” Zayn’s just nodding to her words and humming a “mhm” here and there which, after a few seconds, she seems to take as disinterest. So she skips the rest of her story and continues with a “Anyway, I invited him over for this Saturday. You don’t have any plans, do you?”

“I… no, I… guess not.” Stuttering the words he already regrets not having a good excuse to avoid seeing Niall again. Or even worse, Harry. Which leads him to the next question.

“Did you only invite Niall or…?” he doesn’t want it to sound like he would hope for Harry to be invited too, but still it looks like that’s what Sarah understood.

“No actually I said he could bring a friend. I mean, I really liked Harry so I hope he’ll join us. You need someone to talk to, while Niall and me will rant about work, anyway, right?” And with that and a quiet “Sure,” from Zayn, they continue to chat about a, at least for Zayn, less upsetting topic.

–

So it’s Saturday night and Zayn is making drinks while Sarah and Niall are taking a seat at their kitchen table. For whatever reason it seems like Harry couldn’t make it and Niall didn’t know if it was okay to bring someone else, so he just turned up alone with a bottle of red whine, which Zayn is currently taking a sip of, before pouring them all a glass of it.

The red whine, and the fact that Niall by himself is decent company and a really fun guy to listen to, Zayn, against all odds, really enjoys himself. Or at least, that is, until Sarah excuses herself to the toilet and leaves the two men alone at the table.

“So Zayn, I’m happy you’re feeling better. Too bad our night out ended that fast.”

Zayn can’t but notice the certain edge to Niall’s voice. It suddenly sounds different than it did the rest of the evening. And something in the way Niall is looking at him makes him shift in his seat.

“Uh, yeah. I… sorry I had to leave so abrupt but my stomach was killing me all of a sudden.” It’s not really a lie, but it still feels like one. And Zayn can tell, that Niall doesn’t believe a word he says.

“Yeah so, it didn’t have to do with Harry that you left?” Taking another sip of the wine in exactly the second Niall is saying Harry’s name wasn’t a good idea and Zayn nearly chokes on it while trying to figure out if the blond one really said those words or if Zayn’s imagination is on a high again.

“What?” After clearing his throat he eyes Niall curiously.

“I think you heard me well enough. No need to play stupid Zayn. I know who you are and I know what you did to Harry and-” And Zayn doesn’t want to listen to this anymore.

“-what I did to him? Are you kidding me? Is that what he told you? That I am the bad one here?” It’s impressive, how Zayn’s body and mind can change from curious to furious in a matter of seconds. But he just can’t let this guy sit at his table and accuse him of things he didn’t do.

“You left him Zayn. You left without telling him. Of course you are the bad guy.” Niall seems to be convinced of his words and somehow Zayn knows, that he has every right to do so. Because it’s true. Zayn left. And without context it might sound like he’s the bad guy here, but Zayn knows that he’s not. At least not the only one.

“You don’t know what happened back then so stop blaming me for something I didn’t do the way you make it sound like. And now shut up or I will have to ask you to leave.” His voice is so full of anger and hatred, Zayn almost can’t remember the last time he talked to someone like that. Almost.

_“Why can’t you fucking understand? What does it matter to you? It’s my life. And I’m supposed to live it the way I want to. Why can’t you just accept that?” He was angry and tired and somehow also ashamed because he couldn’t believe he had lived his life doing everything for his parents, when in return he got nothing. Nothing but rejection and lack of understanding._

_“You are my son Zayn and you know that I only want the best for you. So why won’t you see, that this boy is ruining your life? He made you into this… awful version of yourself and… we can’t let this continue. You need to change Zayn.” His mothers words cut through him like a knife and after fighting against his tears all evening he finally lost this battle the second she called him awful. Warm drops slid down his cheeks and soaked his shirt while he was lost for words._

_Gathering together all his courage and acting against everything he ever stood for – because it was always family first, no matter what – he swallowed the lump that started building in his throat and said “No mum, you need to change.” before walking out of her life forever._

When Sarah comes back from the bathroom, she doesn’t seem to feel the tension that’s hanging in the air, so Zayn tries to look happy for her, even if he feels miserable. Because if one person deserves to be happy, it’s her. Because she knows him, even this part of him that made his family hate and turn against him, and she’s still here. She never judges him and she’s always the one who picks him up when someone else tears him apart.

So he smiles at her and pours her another glass of wine, while she’s telling Niall that he needs to see the new cactus she bought yesterday because “It glows in the dark Niall, it’s really sick, you have to take a look at it.”

Zayn is only slightly feeling bad about not noticing the new plant in their flat.

–

“Can we talk?” Zayn nearly drops his phone and all of his documents, when a voice catches him of guard and a certain Irish guy is walking up beside him.

“Not really in the mood to be honest. How did you even find me?” Zayn doesn’t try to sound nice. Sarah’s not here, so he can’t see a reason why he should play friends with Niall anymore.

“Sarah talks about her “Architecture Student Boyfriend” all the time. She even showed me your timetable so yeah… wasn’t hard to find you.” He makes it sound so casual, that he practically stalked Zayn and followed him to campus, that Zayn is slightly worried about this not being the first time Niall ambushed someone like this.

“Just… listen okay? I’m sorry how things went on Saturday. I know I wasn’t fair to you and… I was a shitty guest. But… Harry was so upset after he saw you that night and it was basically my fault you two met again so… I was angry at myself and at you and… I just wanted to apologise and… maybe talk about Harry for a second?” While Niall is obviously trying to find the right words to calm Zayn down a little bit, Zayn just keeps on walking and tries to sort out his thoughts before doing something stupid like to punch Niall straight into his face.

“Go on...” he says calmly, as Niall just keeps starring at him while he tries to keep up with Zayn’s pace.

“Can we please just sit down for a couple of minutes? This is… it’s really important okay?” the blond one sounds pleading all of a sudden and somehow Zayn has the feeling, that this could really be important. That he shouldn’t miss out on this opportunity Niall is giving him. So he turns to the left and heads for the little coffeeshop at the corner of the street, signalling Niall to follow him.

–

Starring at his cup of tea in his hands, Niall is the first one to speak after they sat down at the little table in the corner. “I… Well I think I kind of know what happened between the two of you and… I know that Harry only moved to Vienna to find you and win you back or whatever. And I mean, when Sarah told me about her boyfriend Zayn from England I just… I kind of already knew that you would be “his” Zayn. So I…-” and that is the second time Zayn nearly chokes, because being called Harry’s Zayn after such a long time feels like heaven and hell at the same time.

“You knew it was me? Before we met, you already knew I was Harry’s ex?” The words escape his mouth as soon as he manages to stop coughing.

“I didn’t know, but I guessed. I mean, how are the chances you meet a second Zayn in Vienna that moved here from England around two years ago?” Of course his words make sense but Zayn still can’t believe his ears so he just shrugs and waits for Niall to carry on.

“And I… I told Harry about it. About how I asked Sarah to meet up for some drinks or something and he… I can’t even describe the way his face lit up for a second because he finally found you. But then, like, only a second later he got anxious and… he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to meet you because he was afraid of your reaction. Or even worse, he imagined getting his hopes up and being let down because Sarah was talking about a different Zayn all along. But I convinced him and… gosh he was so nervous that night, he ran to the toilet three times before you arrived. And he…” as Niall is searching for the right words, Zayn suddenly feels on the verge of tears. This sounds so much like the Harry he fell in love with, he can’t believe he missed two whole years of his life.

“When he came back from the toilet, after you and Sarah arrived, I instantly could see it in his face, that it was you. But then you… you fucking introduced yourself to him and...” shaking his head, Niall takes a deep breath before he continues to talk. “I mean, you know it already wasn’t easy for him, because he knew you had a girlfriend now. He knew you were happy with her, sharing a flat and all that. But… you pretending not to know him broke his heart. He… fuck I mean, Zayn you know him. Of course he played along. But right away I could tell that he wanted nothing more then to leave. But he didn’t… and instead, you did. You fucking ran from him Zayn. And… I guess he felt like he was losing you all over again and… That night was horrible. He cried for hours after we got back home and I couldn’t calm him down, no matter how hard I tried. I was so scared he would hurt himself or… I don’t know. For a second I even considered calling Sarah and telling her everything, just so you could come by and help, but… How can you explain something like that over phone?”

“And well... since that night Harry doesn’t talk to me anymore. And I want this to fucking end, so please talk to him and try to make this right. Please...”

It’s so much to take, Zayn doesn’t even know how to comprehend all of Niall’s words. He doesn’t know how to react properly but his body tells him to just cry and maybe leave again because this was always the easiest way out. However, his brain is telling him to stay and try to fix this. Because after all Niall told him over the last couple of minutes, it’s the first time in two years, Zayn understands, that him leaving England hurt Harry just as much as himself.

–

His hands are shaking and sweating and he definitely regrets not taking Niall’s advice to just call Harry instead of driving to his flat. But now he’s already here and even though he feels like throwing up any second, he can’t turn around and walk away again.

It only takes Harry about five seconds to open the door after Zayn finally had the guts to ring, and when he sees who’s waiting for him, Zayn can feel that his first instinct is to close it again. Yet he doesn’t and instead takes a step back to let Zayn in without saying a word.

Not sure if he should take of his shoes and follow Harry into what obviously is the living room, or if he should wait in the doorway until Harry invites him in verbally, he just stands still and takes a look at the framed pictures on the wall. Several minutes pass, or at least that’s how it feels to Zayn, before Harry’s low voice calls a “Would you just come in already?” into the hallway.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Zayn manages to say after awkwardly taking a seat on the other end of the sofa, leaving as much space between them as possible.

And he doesn’t know what he expected Harry’s reaction to be like. But he’s sure, this wasn’t it. Because the taler one just keeps looking at him with a blank face until it freaks Zayn out and once again his instinct to leave kicks in. Because he needs more than this. More than a facial expression that lacks all kind of emotion.

“I guess I shouldn’t have come...” he’s kind of whispering it to himself, but of course Harry hears him and finally the younger man shows that he has feelings too. Because as Zayn tries to get up from the sofa, Harry grabs his arm and a pleading “No, please stay,” leaves his lips in a hurry.

It feels weird being touched by Harry again after such a long time. Sure, they shook hands at this bar, but that was different. They pretended to be strangers to each other that night, something they can’t do now, when it’s just the two of them with no one to watch.

“I’m sorry...” Harry mumbles as he realises that he’s still holding onto Zayn’s arm after he sat back down. Retreating his fingers from Zayn he looks to the floor and takes a deep breath before he continues to talk.

“Like, not just for… touching you. But for… everything that happened I guess. And I’m happy you’re here, even though you probably just got talked into it by Niall because this boy can’t cope with me ignoring him.” A small smile flashes over his face as he talks about Niall and Zayn wishes he could also make Harry smile like that again.

“No he… I mean yeah, he’s the reason I’m here but… I’m also happy to see you again and… I really need to apologise for how I behaved at this bar. I… it just seemed to me that you were happy and living your best live when we met and… as selfish as this may sound, I just wanted you to feel as bad as I did when I saw you.” It feels good to say the truth and be death honest to Harry, however it’s also scary to Zayn to lay your heart open to the one person that kind of broke it years ago.

Harry looks up at his words and huffs out a breath before he softly chuckles. “I was a fucking mess that night. I ran to the toilet for every five minutes until you arrived. Can’t imagine how you mistook me being nervous as fuck for having the time of my live.”

“Yeah, Niall already told me so.” And once again the Irish boy is the reason for a smile on Harry’s and this time also on Zayn’s face.

And with that it feels like the last piece of ice between them is broken. Because they both smile at each-other and to Zayn it feels like the sun is shining again after years of cloudy skies.

–

They meet again after this. Not always at Harry’s flat but also at a nice coffeeshop near Harry’s school, since Harry made his dream come true to teach kids english.

After they talked a little bit about their feelings and a lot about nonsense that one afternoon, Zayn couldn’t wait to see Harry again, even if it is just as a friend. Because that is what they agreed on. To be friends.

Jumping back into something more serious wouldn’t work out anyway and for the time being, being friends with Harry feels like winning the lottery, for it’s so easy to fall back into old patterns like reading each others thoughts and laugh about a joke for minutes on end, even though it wasn’t that funny in the first place.

They don’t even have to talk to each other all the time. Sometimes they just sit in silence and listen to new music one of them discovered or they watch TV for two hours straight. Though if they talk, it’s never about their past. It’s like they have this unspoken agreement, not to mention what happened between them. And as long as they keep this up, everything seems fine.

So they meet up again and again and again, until Sarah suggests a game night with Niall and Harry and once again they are back to playing strangers. Acquaintances at best.

Because how do you tell your girlfriend, that this Harry guy is actually your ex and you just pretended to not know him because you still have feelings for him and wanted him to suffer too? The answer is easy, you just don’t.

And bless Niall for playing along once again, even if it’s just because he doesn’t want to get another silence treatment by Harry.

So they play Monopoly all night long and while Niall and Sarah talk about little Max and little Anna and little Jonathan, which all seem to be patients at the paediatric ward, Harry and Zayn just listen to them or discuss TV series they like and dislike. And again it’s not really that hard to pretend to be strangers, because somehow for the last two years that’s actually what they were to each other. So Zayn feels good that night and enjoys himself better than in a long time.

That is until Sarah get’s up from the sofa and plants a soft kiss to Zayn’s cheek. He can sense the change in Harry’s mood immediately and for a second Zayn feels angry at Sarah which is so so stupid because she is his girlfriend and she should be allowed to kiss him whenever and wherever she likes to. And he should be happy about her showing affection, not get mad at her for doing so. It’s just that it hurts to see Harry turning his sight away from the couple because he’s visibly feeling uncomfortable and Zayn just can’t blame him. God only knows how he would react if Harry would suddenly get up and kiss Niall or someone else. He would probably head to the door faster than anything.

–

It’s a couple of days later, when Zayn first starts thinking about breaking up with Sarah. Not because he doesn’t love her anymore or not enough. But because he doesn’t love her the way she deserves to be loved. The way she want’s to be loved.

He’s sure she is the best friend he has ever had since his mother turned her back on him and he’s so afraid of loosing her, that thinking about breaking up with her makes him feel nauseas.

She deserves better though, and maybe it’s time for Zayn to stop being so selfish all the time and think of her for once. And also of Harry. Because as long as Zayn is in a relationship with Sarah, he feels like none of the three of them can ever really be happy. And it may sound like Zayn is obsessed with himself and thinks that everyone wants and needs him, when in reality the opposite is the case. He feels like he isn’t worth all the pain he causes. Leaving Sarah could solve this, or it could make everything worse.

Because what if he misread Harry’s reaction once more. When he couldn’t even tell Harry was miserable the first night they met again, who is he to know how Harry was feeling when Sarah kissed Zayn in front of him. And what if Sarah is happy about Zayn not spending all of his free time sticking to her side. Maybe she likes that she has more time to herself, now that Zayn is more often hanging out with “friends from University”, because that is what he tells her he’s doing when he’s actually meeting up with Harry.

Thus Zayn does nothing. For he is the same coward he was two years ago and he still doesn’t know what’s best for him and those close to him.

–

“I’m gonna have some drinks with Niall after work tonight. So don’t wait up for me okay?” With a slight smile on her lips she sticks her head into the bathroom, where Zayn is currently brushing his teeth.

He reacts with a well-meant “Okay, have fun,” and adds “Will Harry join you too?” which he regrets only seconds later when Sarah replies.

“No I think Niall mentioned that he has as date tonight if I remember correctly. And to be honest I just wanna catch up with Niall a little bit. Work has been so busy this week we couldn’t really talk properly.”

To this Zayn just nods and hopes that she leaves for work before she can see him falling into pieces.

–

When Harry and Zayn meet again, three days have passed since Harry went on his date with a guy named Robert, or so at least Sarah told him. And from the first second they look at each other, Zayn can sense that after their friendship was working out so well for the last couple of weeks, this is the minute it starts to crumble again. Greeting Harry with a mumbled “Hello”, he is happy they decided to meet at Harry’s flat instead of a public place tonight, since now he has the feeling that this evening could turn out to be a pretty bad one.

While Harry serves them drinks and Zayn looks through Harry’s DVD collection they stay silent, even though Zayn would love nothing more than to ask him about his date. Still he knows he’s not the one to blame Harry for trying to find love again.

“Sorry, looks like I ran out of ice-cubes and I forgot to cool the coke so… yeah sorry if it tastes like shit.” Walking into the living room with two drinks in his hands, Harry tries to lighten up the mood by smiling to his words. Zayn, however, just grabs one glass and takes a big gulp out of it. Harry’s smile disappears before Zayn can swallow the warm liquid and once again the older one managed to be an asshole.

“I think we should talk,” Harry starts as he takes a seat, not looking into Zayn’s direction anymore.  
“And I think you’re not being fair at the moment,” he continues before Zayn has time to say something.

Zayn already knows exactly what this conversation is going to be like. Because the last time Harry accused Zayn of not being fair they ended up in flames and he can still feel the burning marks they left on each other that night.

“It’s not fair that you want me to choose between you and my family Zayn.”

“Yeah so what. It’s also not fair that I didn’t even have the opportunity to choose. And just so you know, even if I had, I would always choose you, because I love you more than anything in this fucked up world.”

“I know.” Sitting down beside Harry, Zayn tries to keep calm and hope for the best, but he’s aware that the odds are not in their favour.

“But still you’re acting like I did something wrong.” Harry looks up now and his face is so full of pain, Zayn nearly can’t look at him.

“I just...” Zayn starts, but he doesn’t know how to continue. Harry is right and they both know it, but Zayn just can’t help himself. He just needs to act on his feelings. And his feelings are hurt, even though they have no right to.

“You know, when Niall told me that he might have found the guy I’ve been looking for, I felt like my life shifted back into it’s right direction. Only to be turned upside down once he mentioned Sarah, your girlfriend. But I still wanted to see you. I wanted to have you back in my life, because I’d rather have you as a friend than to not have you at all. And now you’re here, silently judging me because after more then two years I decided to go on a date and maybe find love again.” At his words, Zayn needs to turn his view away from Harry and blink a couple of times to get rid of the tears forming in his eyes.

“I’m not judging you Harry. I would never. It’s just… it hurts.” Speaking the truth he only gets a quiet snort as response before Harry speaks up again. This time louder, and more angry.

“It hurts? You know what really hurt Zayn? When you left in the middle of the night, without leaving me any clue where to, without a goodbye and without your fucking mobile phone. Can you imagine what I was going through that night and the next couple of days following? Because I was imagining the worst things happening to you. I was so sure you killed yourself that night that I couldn’t eat or sleep or even think straight for four days. Why didn’t you leave a fucking message Zayn? Why did you have to be so selfish?” There are tears streaming down Harry’s face as he stops speaking and he is shaking so hard, Zayn is afraid he’s gonna stop breathing at some point.

“I… I mean you said you didn’t wanna leave your family. That you wanted to stay with them. So I thought this way I could make it easier for you. You told me you didn’t wanna come with me so… I left on my own.” It’s not an apology and his words can’t justify his behaviour, Zayn knows that. Still he feels like he should at least try to defend himself.

“You didn’t leave on your own though. No, you left with half of my heart Zayn and I want it back. I want it back, now.” Shaking even harder, Harry forms his hands into fists and for a second Zayn is sure he’s gonna get hit by him. Instead Harry gets up from the sofa, takes a deep breath and closes his eyes while just standing in the middle of the room. Giving Zayn time to think back to this night that changed everything.

It wasn’t the first time Zayn was fighting with his parents. But it was the last time. And Zayn wanted nothing more than to leave the city right then, right there. Leave all of his past behind and start a new live, in a new city, only taking with him his passport, some money and the most important person in his life.

_That night he finally realised, that as much as he would have wanted his parents to accept him and as much as he had hoped they would understand him one day, he needed to stop holding onto this imaginary future in his head._

_And Zayn felt good about it. The second he decided that he would really leave this time, he felt like a burden was lifted off his shoulders and he could finally breath again after nearly three years of constant pressure._

_So that evening he told Harry about his plan. About how he had saved enough money for both of them to live on for some weeks, and that they could catch the next train to travel around England if Harry would just start packing already._

_However Harry only shook his head, telling Zayn to calm down and to take a seat, when all Zayn wanted to do was run and leave and never look back._

_“I can’t just leave my family Zayn. You… I mean, we both haven’t finished University yer and… my mum and Gemma… I can’t just leave them.”_

_“And I can’t stay here Harry. I need to get away because this is slowly but surely driving me insane. And I know you can’t understand because your mum is an angel and you love Gemma more then anything but… if I have to see my parent’s judging faces one more time, if I have to hear them say “we are so disappointed in you” or “you need to change” or “get out of our house” once again, I’m not sure I can control myself enough to not do something I would regret later on. So please… Just… please come with me.”_

_“I… Zayn just, let’s not rush anything okay?” Harry tried to calm him down, but Zayn didn’t wanna hear any of this. Not that night._

_“Are you kidding me? I’m not rushing Harry. Those people who call themselves my family, have made my life a living hell for the last three years since we’ve been seeing each other. The day I told them I’m in love with a guy was the day they stoped loving me and started to push me away to the point where I just can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.” With tears in both of their eyes Harry took a step forward and wrapped his arms around his crying boyfriend, rubbing soothing circles over his back._

_“We’ll find a way okay?” he whispered into Zayn’s neck and Zayn nodded because he was crying so hard, he couldn’t even breath properly, let alone speak._

Speaking up again, Harry rips him out of his thoughts.

“You know, I wasn’t the only one looking for you back then. Your sisters and Liam and Louis, even your parents were trying to find you or at least to find out where you went to. It took the police four fucking days to figure out you were okay and alive and left the country on a plane to Austria.” He’s walking around in circles while talking, face to the ceiling with his eyes moving fast, like he was looking for the right words to continue.

“When Waliyha told me you called her a week after you left, I was sure you would call me next. I was so convinced of it, I even stayed at home from my lectures because I didn’t wanna miss it. But you never called. And still being the naive boy I was when we met, I decided to come looking for you. I left my family and flew to Vienna with a ticket in my pocket that should have brought me back home two months later. But I fucking fell in love with this city like I once fell in love with you. Because it was all you ever told me about it. Beautiful and charming, with so many things to see, I felt like this was where I belonged to, even though I couldn’t find you. And I never really gave up looking for you. Every day I walked to University in hope of seeing you and after I graduated last year and started looking for a job, I searched for positions in schools as far away from where I live as possible so I could still cross half the city and maybe run into you one day. And isn’t this just pathetic Zayn? To do something so stupid for a boy who didn’t love you enough to stay?”

Now looking at Zayn, Harry seems like he’s waiting for him to react to all the words that just flooded out of his mouth. Maybe he expected Zayn to snap and scream at him or maybe to stand up and slap him or maybe just a couple more tears rolling down his cheeks.

However, Zayn’s just sitting there, staring at Harry while being lost for words.

“I’m sorry. I really am. And please believe me, when I tell you, that I wouldn’t have loved anything more than us meeting again way sooner. Because I missed you every day since I left and I know I was the one to run but please understand, that there was a reason I couldn’t stay. I mean… with me turning twenty I finally understood, that I could make it without my family. That I wouldn’t need them to lead a happy life. I only needed some money, which I already had saved up, a valid passport and you. You were what I needed the most. But you didn’t wanna come along with me. And while you were the most important person in my life at this point, I had to learn that I was only on second, or third or even fourth place in your life. So when you fell asleep that night, I thought all of this over again and somehow I figured out, that maybe all of this time we were together, you never loved me as much as I loved you and I couldn’t handle this. Not after I had just given up on my family.” With his words, also his tears came back and he doesn’t even bother to try and wipe them away with his hands, because there are just too many to stop them before they drip onto his shirt and leave dark, wet stains on it.

For a couple of minutes, Harry’s breathing and Zayn’s quiet sobs are the only noises filling the air. Both of them feeling exhausted and worn out after laying open all of the feelings they kept hidden over so many months.

When Harry sits back down again, Zayn looks at him for the first time after he explained why he left and how he felt back then. To his surprise Harry’s cheeks are wet too and the younger one looks tired. With puffy eyes they face each-other and Zayn knows what Harry’s going to say next before the other one even opens his mouth, so Zayn beats him to it.

“Maybe we need some time to think about all of this again, right?” It’s a question he already knows the answer to, but Harry nods anyway.

So Zayn gets up to leave. He grabs for his jacket and puts on his shoes, while Harry’s watching him from a few steps away. Reaching for the door handle, Zayn turns around one last time to just look at Harry, because who knows when they will see each other again or even if they will see each other again. It’s then that Harry speaks up once again, this time sounding calmer than all evening.

“You know, it might have seemed like you weren’t the most important person in my life, but believe me when I say, that since the day you told me you loved me, there was only one person that mattered more to me than anyone else and that was you Zayn. And before you ask me why, if I loved you that much, I didn’t join you when you asked me to, I can tell you that I asked myself this question nearly every day for the last two years and I can only say, that I was probably just scared of leaving my family behind and wanted to think about it for a little bit longer while your mind was already set when you walked into my room this night.”

–

It’s much harder to go back to his “normal” life, than Zayn thought it would be. There’s not a day he doesn’t ask himself what he did with all his spare time before Harry came back into his life. After his lectures and the afternoon shift at the library he works at for some extra money, he often just lies in bed and tries to think of things other than sending Harry a text message or call him to meet up.

What makes things even worse is that Sarah seems to be out all the time. It’s not like they see each other often anyway with her night shifts every other day. But now she’s also out with “friends from work” whenever she doesn’t have to be at the hospital all night and Zayn can’t even join her to meet up with Niall because he’s never sure if Harry will be there too.

So he jumps heads first into studying for all of his upcoming tests and concentrates on his thesis for which he had to design an entire building.

Weeks go by and Zayn earns one good grate after another, which feels good. Sarah even takes him out on a fancy dinner to congratulate him and it’s a wonderful night until the display of his mobile phone lights up and the name “Harry” flashes across it.

“Oh, Niall probably told him about you finishing your thesis yesterday. You should pick up,” Sarah says, before she takes another bite of her chicken. Zayn hesitates a little to long, so the display turns back to black before he even lifts his arm to reach for his phone.

Looking up at Sarah he puts on a smile and explains his behaviour by telling her that “I can call him back later, this is our evening.”

She smiles at him genuinely and they finish their meals in comfortable silence before they take a taxi back home and fall into bed together. They’re making love that night, like that’s really what they still feel for each-other.

–

A lot of nights like that follow, since Zayn really liked the idea of having one special night a week where they can enjoy themselves and catch up on each-others lives. Surely they can’t always afford to dine at a restaurant so they just order some pasta or one of them cooks, but they have a wonderful time anyway. Sometimes, when they sit at their table wrapped in candle light, Zayn nearly can feel the butterflies come back alive inside of him. For example when Sarah smiles at him so bright, that he’s sure, they wouldn’t even need candles to lighten up the room. Or when she brushes his hair out of his eyes because “Your hair is really getting long Zayn, but I love the way it looks on you”. Or sometimes it’s enough if she asks him if he’s feeling okay or if he needs anything.

Because that was why he fell in love with her in the first place. She cared for him from day one and he could tell her about his horrible past with parents that didn’t understand and sisters that were to busy with themselves that they just didn’t care enough. And she listened for hours, gave him a shoulder to cry on when things became really heavy and always found the right words to calm him down again. Like on his sisters birthday six months ago, when she sent him a picture of her and their parents and Zayn was so angry, he threw his phone against the wall and broke it. But instead of telling him off, she just wrapped her arms around him and held him until he stopped shaking.

With Harry out of his live, though not out of his thoughts, again, Zayn’s finally back to appreciating Sarah the way she deserves and even if they don’t spend as much time together as they used to, he feels like their relationship is getting stronger with every day.

–

“I think we need to talk,” are the words that make Zayn doubt his feelings about how “strong” their relationship is. He’s old enough to know what these words mean and people probably say those words to each other everyday, he just didn’t think that one day he would be the one hearing them.

But as it is, Sarah want’s to talk so that is what they do. She starts with telling Zayn how much he means to her, how the last nine months were a beautiful part of her life and how much she hopes for them to stay friends after this.

And by “this”, she is talking about their break up. She says “sorry” a hundred times and Zayn really tries to follow all of her words because he’s sure she thought about them for a long time, but there is no way he didn’t black out for a couple of seconds because suddenly he hears the name “Niall” and nothing makes sense anymore so he has to interrupt her.

“What? Sorry can you… can you repeat that please?”

–

Two days later, after Zayn has had time to think about what Sarah said to him, he decides to tell her about Harry’s and his shared past. Even if her leaving him tore him apart, because there’s just no pleasant way to break up with someone, he’s sure she deserves to know everything after she’s been so honest with him.

What Zayn doesn’t expect is for her to tell him “I know… I already know.”.

She says that Niall told her and that she isn’t angry. Just sad and a little bit disappointed which honestly feels worse to Zayn. He rather heard her screaming and yelling than crying.

“I always knew there was someone else. I just thought you had lost this person forever and I could fill the void. But the day you met Harry again, I didn’t stand a chance, right?”

You never stood a chance he wants to tell her but he doesn’t because of obvious reason. He just hugs her and kisses her temple one last time. Because even though he didn’t feel the same love for her as he does for Harry, losing her hurts just as much, no matter how often they promise each other to stay in contact.

–

The night she moves out is the night Zayn get’s weak and calls Harry as soon as the door clicked shut behind Sarah. As always, he picks up after the first ring and Zayn can only manage a “Harry can you...” before hears a “I’m on my way” and the line goes dead.

Zayn should feel ashamed, that he cries onto Harry’s shoulder about the girl that left him for her co-worker. He even says as much to Harry, but he just shushes him and tells him that it’s okay to be upset and hurt.

Several drinks later (because Harry always knew what Zayn needed the most), they lie on the sofa together and listen to cheesy break-up songs because Harry swears they were the only thing keeping him sane after Zayn left, which makes them both laugh even though it probably shouldn’t.

“Did you know Niall and Sarah fell in love?” Zayn asks after the last song fades out. Harry snorts and shakes his head at him.

“That’s like asking me if I was blind for several months.” Again they laugh but Zayn also kind of feels like crying again, because could he really have been that unobservant for such a long time?

“I’m shit at relationships.” he says while Harry get’s up to grab his phone and put some new songs into their playlist before he sits back down and smiles at Zayn without saying a word.

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to say something like “No, you’re not. It’s not your fault bla bla bla…?” sending an offended glare into Harry’s direction, he wait’s for a better reaction this time.

“You don’t want me to lie to you, do you?” the smirk that flashes over Harry’s face let’s Zayn know he’s only joking, but still he feels the need to punch him in the ribs, not knowing that this would kick off a “fight” he’s designated to lose.

They end up gasping for air after Zayn almost fell of the sofa which nearly made his heart stop for a second, until he felt Harry’s arms wrap around him last minute and he was pulled right on top of him.

First, he doesn’t even recognise how close they are to each other, but when he feels Harry’s breath against his neck, he suddenly feels sober despite the several empty beer bottles around the room that tell him differently.

Pushing himself up a little bit to bring more distance between the two of them, Zayn can’t help but stare at Harry’s red, shiny lips that he used to kiss so often, he’s sure he still knows how they felt like against his own.

Of course this doesn’t go unnoticed by the taler one, and once Zayn realises what he just did, he looks away quickly and backs up even more, so they are barely touching anymore. Clearing his throat he wait’s for Harry to say something, but instead he’s just looking at Zayn for a very long moment.

So Zayn tries to fill the silence and says what has been on his mind for weeks now.

“You know you’re still as pretty as the day we met.” he knows it’s risky, to say something like this when it’s only the first time in five weeks that they talked to each-other. Though Harry doesn’t seem to be upset or uncomfortable so Zayn takes his chance and goes all in. Leaning closer, he waits for Harry to get up or back away, but he doesn’t and so Zayn lets their lips meet for a soft kiss.

It only lasts for a second and it’s probably the most innocent kiss you can share with someone, still Zayn feels like his body is burning with love and want so he immediately tries to lean in for another kiss, but the soft touch of Harry’s palm against his chest let’s him stop last minute.

“Zayn I… I can’t do this.” and with that it feels like someone’s pulling him under the surface of ice-cold water and Zayn want’s nothing more than to take back his words and the kiss and just stand up and leave but he can’t because this is his flat, so everything just gets worse instead.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you earlier but… you remember that date I went on, like a little over a month ago? Robert and I… we… kind of fell for each-other and...” and for a moment, Zayn feels his heart crumble inside his chest since he has no reason not to believe Harry’s words. Still he doesn’t miss the way Harry seems to struggle with keeping a straight face while talking and before Zayn can call him out on it, the younger one bursts into laughter.

Not finding it funny at all, but still being relieved that Harry was only joking, Zayn kicks him in the shins before he gets up to get them another round of beers.

“Oh come on Zayn… you always used to love my jokes.” he hears Harry shout from the living room as he opens the fridge and finds that they are out of beer so he just grabs the vodka instead.

–

The next morning, Zayn wakes up with the worst hangover but also with Harry on his side so he counts it as a win anyway. Not even throwing up an hour later darkens his mood, because Harry is there to bring him a glass full of cold water and gently rubs his back until his stomach calms down a bit.

“You should have known better, than to drink half the bottle of vodka on your own,” is all he says after Zayn is back in bed and cuddles close to him.

They don’t talk about the kiss until three hours later. After two more hours of sleep for Zayn and a light meal for both of them, Harry finally brings up this topic they avoided so carefully the night before.

He starts with “About that kiss yesterday...” and then explains why he acted the way he did. Why he softly pushed Zayn away and tried to lighten up the mood by joking about him and Robert dating.

“You know, I didn’t wanna feel that weird tension between us again, so I thought a joke would be a good idea.” Zayn shakes his head at him but smiles nevertheless about Harry’s words.

“Is there even a time you don’t think a joke would be a good idea?” They grin at each other for a moment, before the conversation turns back to being serious.

“I really don’t wanna be your rebound Zayn,” Harry barely whispers as he looks up from his fingers, where he’s playing with one of his many rings. “I know you feel miserable since Sarah left and that you need someone to be there for you now, and I can be that one. But… not like that.”

Zayn catches a glimpse of pain in Harry’s eyes and instantly understands how hurt the younger one must be, if this is really what he thinks this kiss was about.

Therefore he doesn’t waste a second to explain to Harry, that he’s not a rebound. Looking him straight in the eyes he hopes that Harry believes him when he says: “I swear I didn’t kiss you just because I needed someone to be there for me or because I was upset about the break-up. I did it cause I missed you.”

His words are nothing but the truth. Zayn would never use Harry as a rebound just to get over his ex. Especially since the only ex Zayn really needs to get over with is Harry himself. Sure he loved Sarah, but thinking back at their relationship she was always more like a sister to him than anything more.

Telling Harry that, he adds a “Please don’t tell me, you think I’m lying right now, because I’ve never been more honest in my entire life.”

They don’t kiss again that afternoon after Zayn’s confession because this isn’t one of these cheesy romcoms Harry likes so much. It’s real live and sometimes emotions are difficult to explain and hard to get rid of so Harry tells Zayn, that he needs some time to think about this before he want’s to jump into anything that might shatter his heart into pieces again.

And Zayn understands and accepts Harry’s decision to take it slow. After all they haven’t talked for over two years before they met again five months ago.

–

So they don’t see each-other for two whole weeks before Harry calls Zayn and asks him out on a date, to try and start over again.

Meeting up that night, Harry suggests having three dates before they kiss again and Zayn happily agrees because he waited so long for this, what are three more dates now?

But of course Harry is the one to break their agreement on the first evening. Standing on the doorstep to Zayn’s flat he leans in and kisses him without any warning in advance. The kiss feels exactly like their first one so many years ago. Because there’s passion and heat mixed with a little hesitation and an overwhelming feeling of the start of something new.

Feeling little raindrops falling onto his hair and shoulders, Zayn breaks their kiss and smiles up at Harry, before saying “I still hate rain just as much as I love you, so let’s go in okay?”

And with that, they walk into Zayn’s flat. Hand in hand, with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts they let themselves fall into Zayn’s bed and into their future.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and if you really made it this far, please leave comments and/or kudos if you liked it (also tell me if you didn't like it - I'm open for all kind of feedback).  
> Just let me know what you think :)


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